if only it were that simple.

i love love LOVE sharing personal, intimate information about my life with strangers on the internet! did you know the code im using for this has so many syntax errors i have to remake my entire websrte!? YAY!!!!!!!!!!ive been charged with the task of journaling daily by my therapist so i should probably post more now ;p

sometimes i think i hate people, but then i realize i've simply isolated myself from family and friends so heavily that i've become a shell of myself. it makes me distant and cold. uncaring. i wonder how this will affect me later on in life. my family tends to see me as incapable because of how little i've achieved this late in my life, but with the things i've gone through, i'm suprised i've made it this far. i intend to make progress soon., however. I can feel success at my fingertips... something inside me, a need to take action. I want a future for myself. I want a future for all of us. I can't help but wonder, though - do i deserve it? Is it a punishment to rot away in mediocrity for the rest of my life? Or is it vain to want something more, to yearn outside of my means? whatever. i'm going to sleep.

(to note, i spent hours isolating myself to build this, to speak to the void of the internet, in hopes that it may make my fear of being percieved lessen. so perhaps i have some things to learn.)

can i live? i still can't sleep. i'm so damn tired. i'm trying to release the shame of typing my feelings to an oblivious internet but its a little hard... okay. deep breaths.

i realize now after looking through the neocities website how lonely i've felt, and how many people feel similar to me. what a wonderous existence it is to realize how i'm not alone. how many people feel behind. that i'm as capable as others. i've always wanted to be capable, but its as if i've fallen short in some way. this is something i'm doing for me. and even now i want to push it to the side, do it halfway, halfheartedly. because who will see it? who will care? if not me, then who else? but does my opinion not matter? in the grand scope of things, who knows me better than myself? i would hope to say someone else - someone who could look me in the eye and call me out when i'm acting unfaithful to my values. but deep down, i know it's me. it's always been me. my fear of being known extends as far down to even myself. i hate others when they see me, when they worm their way past my sugar-sweet exterior. sometimes it's tiring, acting kind, benevolent, all hours of the day. its as if i can't be mean or say anything untoward or the image i have of myself crumbles beneath my own hands. an image of my own making. needless to say, my perception of myself is fickle and imaginary. i rely on others to tell me how to be, what to wear. when someone asks me what i want, or tells me they want to do things for me - out of a desire to please none other but me - i freeze. who am i if not a conduit to please others? i fall into this cycle where i want to be successful, i want to succeed, i wnt to be better, stronger, confident and able, but how could i possibly do something such as that if i cannot even abide by my own opinion? more so that i don't trust others reactions to my words or feelings than i don't trust my own self. the other is scary. unknown. i analyze others to know their patterns, to be able to predict them, but i hate when the same behavior is enacted upon me. because it's a coping mechanism. i want to feel comforted by the known. the known in their emotions, in their habits. but in reality it isnt healthy to know people more than they know themselves. in reality, you'll leave yourself with a gaping hole, wanting to be understood, yet never letting anyone past the cusp - knowing the fear others feel when you do the same to them. feel, enact, fear. perhaps i can sleep now. farewell.

i have pretty awesome day today. im not sure why i was so fucking emo when i wrote my last entries................. i slept a lot that was awesome. but im still really burnt out, pushng myself to hange out with mine friensd because otherwise i feel lonely and sad! but i know i need the alone time. i juist cant push myself into it. it doesnt help that i am having really bad chronic illness & pmdd flare right now... it is like life sucks, but i know it doesnt! fun fact... it is 9 degrees outside for me as i write this. even in my room, my hands are freezing. SYNTAX ERROR SYNTAX ERROR SYNTAX ERROR!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! I also fear ythe fact that my friensd might hate me if I take a few days off. I know this isnt true., nad i know if i shared this with them they would understand - but its like cheating, showing them the thoughts i detest, instead of communicating, because the words bubble up in my throat when i try,. how could i ever possibly learn to be truly vulnerable if i dont make the exceptions>?

unwritten,.