this is my blog. welcome to my blog. here, i am anonymous and free. much to the likes of many people in society, you may snoop freely upon my daily entries of what goes on in my life. i offer no one else this security.

i will offer no comments or suggestion. good day and farewell.

someone sees you on the street. they don't know who you are - they only know that which you present yourself. similar styles and subtexts can knit two strangers together, but you know what really matters in the end? connection. true and unbridled intimacy. can you make it past the cusp?

i promised myself i would blog this year, so i have made this... an insight to my adventures, my plights, and the deepest corners of my mind. i learned to code for this, so i hope it isn't a bust.

sometimes i think i hate people, but then i realize i've simply isolated myself from family and friends so heavily that i've become a shell of myself. it makes me distant and cold. uncaring. i wonder how this will affect me later on in life. my family tends to see me as incapable because of how little i've achieved this late in my life, but with the things i've gone through, i'm suprised i've made it this far. i intend to make progress soon., however. I can feel success at my fingertips... something inside me, a need to take action. I want a future for myself. I want a future for all of us. I can't help but wonder, though - do i deserve it? Is it a punishment to rot away in mediocrity for the rest of my life? Or is it vain to want something more, to yearn outside of my means? whatever. i'm going to sleep.

(to note, i spent hours isolating myself to build this, to speak to the void of the internet, in hopes that it may make my fear of being percieved lessen. so perhaps i have some things to learn.)

can i live? i still can't sleep. i'm so damn tired. i'm trying to release the shame of typing my feelings to an oblivious internet but its a little hard... okay. deep breaths.

i realize now after looking through the neocities website how lonely i've felt, and how many people feel similar to me. what a wonderous existence it is to realize how i'm not alone. how many people feel behind. that i'm as capable as others. i've always wanted to be capable, but its as if i've fallen short in some way. this is something i'm doing for me. and even now i want to push it to the side, do it halfway, halfheartedly. because who will see it? who will care? if not me, then who else? but does my opinion not matter? in the grand scope of things, who knows me better than myself? i would hope to say someone else - someone who could look me in the eye and call me out when i'm acting unfaithful to my values. but deep down, i know it's me. it's always been me. my fear of being known extends as far down to even myself. i hate others when they see me, when they worm their way past my sugar-sweet exterior. sometimes it's tiring, acting kind, benevolent, all hours of the day. its as if i can't be mean or say anything untoward or the image i have of myself crumbles beneath my own hands. an image of my own making. needless to say, my perception of myself is fickle and imaginary. i rely on others to tell me how to be, what to wear. when someone asks me what i want, or tells me they want to do things for me - out of a desire to please none other but me - i freeze. who am i if not a conduit to please others? i fall into this cycle where i want to be successful, i want to succeed, i wnt to be better, stronger, confident and able, but how could i possibly do something such as that if i cannot even abide by my own opinion? more so that i don't trust others reactions to my words or feelings than i don't trust my own self. the other is scary. unknown. i analyze others to know their patterns, to be able to predict them, but i hate when the same behavior is enacted upon me. because it's a coping mechanism. i want to feel comforted by the known. the known in their emotions, in their habits. but in reality it isnt healthy to know people more than they know themselves. in reality, you'll leave yourself with a gaping hole, wanting to be understood, yet never letting anyone past the cusp - knowing the fear others feel when you do the same to them. feel, enact, fear. perhaps i can sleep now. farewell.